When I was little my mom told me to often keep my nose clean. To most people this means “stay out of trouble” except when my mom said it she meant to literally keep my nose clean. See unlike you people with the “normal” childhood’s I grew up being told that if you leave the boogies in your nose they turn into tiny boogie eggs that hatch little birds. If you don’t make sure your nose is clean those little things will hatch and fly right on outta there. It could occur at any time: While you are talking to a boy you love while you are giving a book report to your class while you are in the luncheon line. IT COULD HAPPEN AT ANY TIME! Since I lived in utter fear of the “hatchings” I made sure my nose was boogie-free at all times. Fortunately I was taught the proper use of a Kleenex (the finger-wrap rule) while extricating the incubating boogie eggs. I must mention that I was about 8 years old when this took place and even then did not withdraw the eggs in public since certain things are private. Or so I thought.

Recently my friend Lisa told me that everywhere she went that day she saw people in their cars picking their noses. We all see the occasional nose picker at a stoplight but she saw them everywhere. According to her these people were definitely NOT following the finger-wrap rule. I also have my doubts that they were fearful of the boogie birds. These people were just digging away oblivious to everyone round them. Are people not aware that even though they are ensconced in their vehicles they can serene be seen? Cars people are not like the cloak of invisibility. Window tinting reduces the suns harsh rays but still lets your picking shine through for the entire world to see.

After Lisa told me about “National Nose Pickers Day” I was talking to my friend Kim. Kim works like a nutritionist for the Health Department in a location that I will keep a secret although I will tell you that it rhymes with Bozarks. Being that Kim is super-competitive she told me that she could one-up Lisa and one-up Lisa she did. She had a client come into her office dig around in her nose for a while then wipe the boogies on her desk. Right in the front of her. Now since Kim is a bigger germaphobe than I am I was shocked that she didn’t kung fu the crap out of that woman like I would have. Instead being the professional that she is she simply said “You just wiped a booger on my table and you’d better put it back where it came from.” This story appalled me mostly because the thought of my best friend being brutally attacked by freshly hatched boogie birds was truly terrifying.

But that’s enough about boogies because I soon realized that gross manners extend far beyond your garden-variety nose picker. Kim had another client who sneezed while sitting in her office. When the woman got up to leave Kim instantly noticed that the armchair was pretty wet. The woman said “My bladder just ain’t what it used to be” and walked out. I am telling you right now if I accidentally peed in someone’s office chair I would either be way more apologetic than that or else I would come up with some kick-ass lie. I don’t understand what it would be it might involve alien abduction or a brain-eating virus but I do know that I am not admitting to peeing in a chair until I have tried out all my other options first.

On another yucky note: a few days ago I was sitting in my Doctor’s waiting room and a woman came in with crappy music blaring from her ear buds so loud that I was starting to lose it. The “child” or “devil spawn” in her stroller was repeatedly sticking her tongue out at me and also at an adorable old couple sitting next to me and spit was flying everywhere. The mom wasn’t noticing this because (a) the music proclaiming that her “milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard” was loud enough to cause ear damage to everyone in the waiting room and (b) she had her nose in her armpit. She was in public surrounded by people and she was pulling her sleeves out of the way and sticking her nose deep into her pits to see what was happening. If the face she made behind the smell test was any indication some bad stuff was going on up in those pits.

Now I will be the first to admit that I have had my own bad manners moments. A few years ago I was lucky enough to escort the Emmy Awards. I had a pretty gown lovely jewelry and I was feeling good. Unfortunately I later found out that I was shown on the “Emmy Live From The Red Carpet” show on “E!” fanning my steaming armpits. In my defense it was very hot out there I didn’t know there was a live camera pointing at me and I was DEFINITLEY NOT sniffing them. I was only cooling them off. However when you get your 15 minutes of fame you don’t want 60 seconds of them to be you in your pretty night gown fanning your pits. Another thing about me which some may see as bad manners is that I am lacking a filter. As my husband says “you should truly think every sentence through a few times before you let it come out of your mouth.” I also talk about things with my friends that Miss Manners would most definitely not sanction of. For sample every time I talk to my friend Stephanie the first 5-10 minutes of our conversation is about bloating cramping pooping and the general maintenance and welfare of our entire gastrointestinal and female areas. It’s just what we do. We are close friends and sometimes it’s good to have a little support with these important topics. It may be gross to some of you but at least we’re not talking about it on our Bluetooth’s while in line at Target.

Most of us do not have perfect manners and if I ever meet someone who does while I would honour their restrained behavior we would never get friends. On the other hand I would never want to be friends with the booger-wiper or chair-wetter either. There is definitely a middle ground with manners. If you want to jam your finger up your nose save it for the privacy of your own house. Watch your American Idol and dig away. If you have a pee-pee problem it’s time for a diaper or it’s time to stay home and tinkle on your own damn furniture. If you are unsure about your pit hygiene purchase supplementary strength deodorant and perhaps take a trip size with you. Please.

As the mother of an 8-year-old son I can tell you that some nasty stuff is going down at my home at any given moment of the day. I know you will think I am making this up but while I was typing this paragraph my son ran into the study and said “Toot power! Bombs away!” dropped a stink bomb that made my eyes water and then ran to the living room. Have I told him a million times that I don’t like that? Yes. Does he do it anyway? Of course. I have learned to let it go as long as he only does it at home when we are company-free. But I guarantee you that the first time we are at Target and he turns into Super Toot Man he is in large trouble. Unless of course there is a booger-picker or pants-wetter in our midst in that case “toot power” may just chase them off.